meant

I was going to write about the Red Sox today and how watching a team struggle and win such a monumental championship (length of season, number of games, etc.) stirs the desire to do something difficult; to dig in the dirt with both hands and keep going until something is unearthed.

But I'm suddenly struck with the overwhelming feeling that there is a lot going on between people that I just don't get. There seems to be a whole other level of interactivity and friendship that I am locked out of. I don't know if I'm interested in explaining this, perhaps for fear of it being made clear that this is simple paranoia and feeling sorry for myself. But I certainly have a history of pulling back from groups and people and watching on the sidelines while I think about all the things that I could be doing and then beating myself over the head with them. Ah, yes, the self-hatred is in full bloom today. Back to work for now.