Well, as I think everyone who reads this blog knows... I got the job. I start on the 23rd.
I quit on Monday. It wasn't as exciting as I'd hoped. My boss took it pretty well, although she did get a gratifyingly stricken look on her face. She surprised me by asking me to stay three more days. I stammered and said I'd look into it. I tacitly agreed, and now I'm trying to figure out how to back out of it. I think I will end up working two days into the week I wanted to take off. Ah well. It will be helpful — and I'd said that I would stay slightly longer if they needed me. Stupid me.
So, I'm going to have a real J.O.B. I'm actually getting one of the things I constantly worry about:
1. What am I going to do for work in the future?
2. What do I want to do with my writing?
3. How can I lose weight?
It's good that I'm dealing with the first item, since a new item:
4. How can I be a good father?
has taken over most of my peanut-sized brain.
But seriously folks. Now what? I'm getting a job that could end up being a good long-term situation that really won't impinge on my ability to do other things. (It's a strict 9-to-5-er that apparently has overtime about as often as I do my taxes -- that is to say: once every couple of years.) So, of course, now I'm freaking out a little bit about whether I'm up to the job.
I've never managed people before. I have a pretty tenuous grasp on managing myself. This is only MOSTLY a joke. I do get my work done on time and I do work quickly. I am not, however, a go-getter. For instance, it's 10:20 in the a.m. and all I've done this morning is check my emails, cruise a few websites, and write this.
- - -
Almost five hours later and I've done very little work. I know that I'm going to get some pointed looks and a sour face from my boss, but I have a hard time caring. There's really not much for me to do. I will probably leave soon.
I've lost all the steam that I had this morning when I began posting. The point of the whole thing was that I'm still in a place of "now what?" and still not sure what I want to do with my life. Plus, I'm confronted by the fears of failing at the thing that I've been somewhat hoping for. (Only somewhat because, really, it's the writing part of my life that I've hung most of my self on for the longest time. I still don't know what I'm going to do with it. I still haven't figured anything out. I still lay in bed at night thinking about writing ideas. And I still do nothing about them.)
This is not in any way to counteract the excitement at starting a new job. And at leaving one on good terms, as well. This is the first job that I've left where I felt like I'd done good while I was there and that people would, in fact, miss me. It's encouraging as I move forward and take on a more... shall we say adult role in the workplace, as well as at home.
It's just fucking scary is all.
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