arms around the world

Thinking about what has changed for me, in me over the past several years. I feel like I crashed down to earth about three years ago, suddenly aware of my limitations in ability to handle difficult situations and people. I froze at the opportunities I had and my sudden dawning awareness that I wasn't as great a writer as I'd thought I was. Nowadays I look back at things I was thinking and writing and wonder where the hell I got the hubris to write what and as much as I did. Nowadays I try to think about a large project and it feels impossibly daunting. I try to break things down to chewable pieces, but the whole of it looms above me, weighing me down, as does the past. I carry every minor failure, every obscure fear, every possible thing that has gone or could go wrong with me into the present moment. As if every action needed to apologize for or make up for my history of broken promises or un-lived-up-to potential. I need to learn to sidestep. Let that weight come crashing down to the ground and leave it in a crater of its own making. I can come by and observe it from time to time. Maybe mark its destruction on the calendar and tilt a glass to it every year. I need to move on with my life.