ella

Ella is asleep. The last time I checked on her she still had her head turned to the left, her right arm slight up and resting against the wall of the cosleeper. When I put her down I put her too far to the left wall and now I'm concerned because her arm is up and what if she doesn't move it? Or what if she does and it wakes her up, etc.

I haven't written about Ella in here yet because, well, aside from the fact that I haven't been writing in here until lately, I've been afraid to because I didn't have anything good to say. Not about Ella — she's awesome — but about the way that I interact with her. This is not all the time, mind you, but there are times when I swear at her ("go to fucking sleeeeep, Ella") and I have put her down perhaps slightly roughly and then gone into another room and screamed). She'd be a real good teacher of patience, if I was willing to learn.

I try. I swear that I try. But there are times when I'm too exhausted or want too much for her to go to sleep, or just am not willing to put up with what I consider her fickleness — and then I lose it.

Amy doesn't like it. I don't like it. I'm not sure what there is for me to do, other than try and try harder. I come back, always, to something my therapist said years ago after I went on one of my typical long, rambling stories: "expectations, expectations, expectations." If I could release myself from the burden of expecting things and wanting them I swear I would be half-way to self-fulfillment. (Oh the irony: fulfillment through emptiness. My erstwhile buddhist teacher would love that.)

There's no point to all of this except to put into words something that I feel humbled by and makes me question my ability to be a father or to interact with other sapient beings.

Right now I am enjoying the time alone while Amy is away at a private client. I have forced myself to turn off the tv — no shows or games. And I am going to read a little bit, and think a little bit, and contemplate my return to writing which I feel is right around there corner... oh wait, is that it now? Oh. No. That was something else. But it's coming.