reflection

One of the things I became aware of during therapy was that my behavior affected other people. You'd think that that'd be pretty obvious, but it wasn't to me. Basically I try to be invisible to people; I try not to call attention to myself when I'm not feeling comfortable. I just won't say anything or have any opinions, I'll duck out of being somewhere when I can do it with little fuss, etc. I think I do this because it puts me in fewer positions where I have to deal with people, and fewer times when I am called upon to "prove myself" or my abilities. (And we're talking basic "abilities" here -- like the ability to talk to other people, not just having to do with showing I can design or act or write, etc.) For the longest time I lived under the assumption that if I pull myself away, that nobody would notice and it would be like I wasn't there. Of course, that's not the case.

We affect people. The things we do or say, or don't do or say. It's impossible for us to ghost through life and not impact anyone.

Why am I bringing this up now? No specific reason, I guess. I have been thinking a lot about what has been holding me back from writing and from being more active in finding a new job. I also grabbed my camera this morning to take some pictures to put up here on the blog —

The blog design seems so dull and empty. Maybe I will figure out how to make some changes to jazz it up some. I tried some other templates yesterday and didn't like any of 'em. Ended up back with this one... which I kind of like. It's just very generic.

— and the only picture I liked was the one at the top of this post. That's the train coming into the 50th street station and that shadow is me, taking the picture. So I decided that I would use that as a jumping off point.

I opened this window in TextEdit and have been writing off and on today. And the idea of reflection seemed like a good one to write about.

This is something that I've always used, too, as a distancing tool: talk or write about what you're talking or writing about, as opposed to actually moving forward in the conversation. You're able to talk and talk about talking and it looks like your conversational feet are moving, but really you're standing in place. Eventually you end up hunched over and your nose is practically inside your navel.

So... how we affect other people and my personal thang about it...

The couch is a very safe place to be (comfy as well). Sitting in that room, alone, with just me and the tv, me and the PS2, or me and a book... nobody knows I'm there and nobody expects anything from me while I'm there. A lot of the time I'm able to be there and not expect anything from myself. But, as I was saying yesterday... that only lasts for so long. There is, still, a desire in me to do something more than sit and consume. I'm still trying to figure out what, exactly, I want to be doing with that desire — where I want to point it. I'm trying not to fall back into that soft trap of deciding what to do instead of doing something. I need to make a decision and get on with it. Christmas is coming soon, and there's not much time to work right now anyway, so I'm going to say that by January 1 I will decide what I'm going to do with my creative energies — meaning I'll pick a project (or 2).

There we go. That right there is worth doing this blog. Putting my thoughts down, getting them out of my head, is the only way I seem to be able to make any concrete choices. Of course, having somebody reading (and I think somebody is reading) helps force me to act.

That doesn't really solve the problem of getting me to accept the ripples in the world I make, but that's not so much a problem as a lifestyle choice that I have to become aware of and need to start changing bit by little bit, if I want to be different.

Speaking of ripples... it's funny how those therapy sessions are still resonating with me today, some — what? — ten years down the line. "Expectations expectations expectations"... "you have an effect on people"... "anger issues"... I think about them all the time. Well, when I'm not on the couch, not thinking.

Enough for now.